No-one tells you how miserable it is to potty-train a child before you have one of your own. I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered. Before I had kids, I believed all those parenting horror stories were the direct result of irresponsible and incompetent parents. I was not one of those parents, therefore those stories didn’t apply to me.
Then I had kids. I’m now a very accomplished eater of crow.
At long last, I’ve reached the end of the diaper era. I have only one remaining child to potty-train. He’s a boy. He is Napoleanic, bossy, stubborn, adorable, and unteachable. He doesn’t remember from one second to the next any instruction I give him. Even when I scream “Don’t climb the railing or you’ll fall!” He climbs, he falls, he cries, he climbs again. Also, he will not suffer long to be parted from his sippee cup.
I figure I’m pretty much doomed.
In fact, if it weren’t for the nauseating, run-you-out-of-the-house-from-the-stench, might-as-well-hose-him-off-outside bowel movements, and the high cost of diapers, I’d leave him in diapers indefinitely. There’s also the fact that no money in the world would successfully bribe anyone to change his diapers in kindergarten.
For the past month I’ve been talking up pooping in the potty – how great it is to get all that messy stuff out and off your skin, no diaper rash, no cold wipes, no sagging pants. I’ve talked about how grown up it is.
We’ve also begun some tutorials. We’ve practiced pulling pants up and down, sitting, and standing. I asked his brother to demonstrate. Little Boy was so fascinated by all the bubbles that he almost stuck his head into the urine stream in his attempt to get a closer look at the toilet water.
Unfortunately, he isn’t sold. And I just want to the nightmare to end. Somehow I have to sweeten the deal for me. Make it worth the insult to my nose and my clothes washer and my water bill.
My solution? Mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
My plan is simple. The first three days, every time he successfully pees or poops in the potty, he gets a mini Reese’s.
And since his success will primarily be due to my vigilance, so do I.
From the fourth day on (at which time he really should have the idea), he has to pee three times in a row to earn a Reese’s. And of course, poop of any amount actually in the potty merits a Reese’s.
Which got me to thinking, maybe my OB/GYN should consider this method. “Do your Kegels once a day, treat yourself to a Reese’s! Do your monthly self-breast-exam, treat yourself to TWO Reese’s!” Not that I have trouble remembering either of those two things. Ahem.
On to dealing with accidents: the truly genius part of my plan. If he pees his pants, I get his Reese’s (which, if you’re counting, means I get two!). “You could have had this, but you chose to pee your pants, so I get it! Mmmmm… it’s so yummy. Next time you pee in the potty and you can have one!”
Poop in the pants, on the other hand, is a severe infraction. That I despise. A mere mini-Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup simply won’t compensate. Not even a full-size one with dark chocolate.
As I pondered a sufficient reward for having to clean out poop-filled pants, a friend of mine suggested that every time he poops his pants, I get an 8-day Caribbean cruise.
Perfect. If things go as I expect, I should be able to spend the entire 2010-2011 school year on a boat.
That is the funniest thing I have ever read! I am going through the same thing with my 3 yr old (turned 3 in Feb.). He has no interest at all and has bad rash issues with certain foods he eats if the poop stays on his rear more than two seconds! If I could figure out how to teach him to get the pee out, I think he would do it. He just can't get the mechanics of it. Poop…that is another story. I think I am going to go get a Reese's cup now….
Christine
Joy, what a HOOT!!! I remember the days.
When training my daughter, I'd put her on the mini potty and strap her in after she woke from her nap. One day the door bell rang and it was my friend from next door. We got to chatting and I completely forgot Lauri Anne… until I heard this clop clop clop clop noise. I couldn't figure out what it was until she rounded the corner. Of course it was very difficult getting her unstrapped because I was laughing so hard. She didn't appreciate that very much.
See… Reese's makes everything better! I neglected to mention I have THREE bags of Reeses minis and they're all labeled FOR JOY ONLY lest anyone else in the family get any bright ideas. 🙂
Classic!!!!
Gina, that's a GREAT story!!! I would have had the same problem…
I have a 4 and a half year old with autism still in potty-training..trying not to take 3 years to do this. Perhaps I should try the chocolate trick? 🙂 I'd love a week off of the autism wheel as my reward for getting her trained! Your little guy sounds a lot like my little one..forgets instructions quickly and doesn't care about messy pants. She'd stay a baby forever if I let her. If ya wanna vent about potty-training..call me! 🙂
I loved it, Joy! We are getting ready for potty training and I am dreading it. We have been talking about it for awhile to him, but he is not interested one bit. He sounds a lot like Luke in personalities. We have one problem with your idea even thought it sounds totally yummy….my son is allergic to peanut butter and we are both allergic to sugar. Maybe I'll just do the Caribbean cruise thing and forgo the candy. lol
I could have been the perfect parent too.
Then, I had the children.
My sister is still basking in the glow of being a perfect parent.
Of course, her first child is all of 7 days old today.
I think you are going to get FAT on Reeces cups!!
Now that kind of plan might actually get me excited about training my second born! Lol!
Potty training destroyed me as a father. Wasn't so bad with my daughter, but my son is as stubborn as I am. I guess I can understand the rationality of children going through this. Why bother with actually going into a bathroom? Isn't wearing a diaper a better way to get your business done?
In the end, it was Buzz Lightyear and not Reese Cups. Every trip to the potty resulted in a phone call. Worked, too. So well that I can almost do a better Buzz than Tim Allen.
haha! what a fabulous post!!! we are about to start w/ my little girl. i've heard girls are easier than boys but we just brought home her twin sisters, for which i think she'll be paying us back for for the next 20 years! thanks for the good laugh!
This is classic and funny and true! I had read your blogimony over at Gather, and saw this when I came by. Had to read it and enjoyed your insights greatly! Take courage! A year at sea sounds wonderful…even if you earn it for the next few weeks in the trenches of potty training!
OH, I'm so there! My littlest one has no concept of not going in his undies and I apparently have no concept of actually getting him to the potty in time. I think I need a whole BOATload of chocolate.
This is SO funny. I love it. Oh I remember the potty training days. AT least you young mom's have modern help aides… we had cloth diapers or panties…or shorts.
So glad I am past that stage. Now I am a grandma with lots of advise hahaha..:o)
So this in the classics section now. I want to know how it’s going! I have a 3 year old son (my first son, does that count for anything???) who doesn’t really seem to care. M and M or not.
*sigh*
The boy is three years and five months old. That’s right – 41 months. And he will not, WILL NOT, poop on the potty. Once every day or two he will pee on it. Not even bribery has worked. I’ve tried toys. I’ve tried food. I’ve even broken my McDonalds boycott and promised him a Happy Meal if he would please poop on the potty. Nothing.
He wants to go to school so badly, so I think (I hope, I pray) that is my ace in the hole. I’m going to sign him up for preschool for next fall and then tell him he can’t go unless he’s wearing underwear and keeping it clean.
Wish me luck.