Unmasked, Threadbare, and Thankful
Since this is life:unmasked day, I will be honest. I struggled to write this post. It’s been a rough week in a lot of ways. But I forced myself to step back and look a little wider, and there it was — gratitude, even in the threadbare places.
Last week I displayed a lack of judgment I didn’t think could co-exist with the stubbornly-multiplying strands of white in my hair. Times like this I wonder if I’m ever going to grow up. But my husband and I worked it out quicker and cleaner than we would have earlier in our marriage. It showed me the fruit of all our work this year, tilling and fertilizing and weeding and digging our roots ever deeper. Hmmmm…. this sounds like my word for 2011 — cultivate. It has hurt like h*ll at times, but the new growth and depth and trust in our relationship is oh so worth all the pain required to get here.
I let the laundry get so out of control it has taken two days of non-stop washing, drying, folding, and putting away to get all the clothes clean. And I still have piles of towels and sheets to do. Again with the growing-up thing! But we have clothes… enough that I can get away with not doing laundry for awhile. I have machines that do the washing, and clean water to use in those machines instead of swishing them around in a dirty stream outside. And it’s all in my home.
We missed every school bus yesterday. I had to drive three kids to three different schools fifteen minutes apart that all start at the same time. But we have a car so the kids didn’t miss school altogether.
I dropped my phone into a puddle. But it dried out in rice. And having a smartphone is quite a first-world luxury, even though I did feel utterly alone without it. The internet and telephone connect me to friends who understand grief and loss, doubt and depression, and that feeling of not fitting in. These friends are one of the best gifts I’ve received this year.
I dissolved into tears in a preschool Thanksgiving chapel service. Making myself stay gave me a new happier memory for such a sad place. I realize that this year my memories of Elli ache but the pain doesn’t always knock me to the ground the way it used to. I found a medication and vitamin regiment that has enabled me to feel normal for the first time in years. This fall didn’t open up into a yawning pit of depression like the last two did.
Amazing how sitting down and writing a bit can tease out gratitude even from the thin places.
Where have you found God in the threadbare places this Thanksgiving?
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