Emily, writer of Chatting at the Sky, started Tuesdays Unwrapped as a way to remember and treasure the small, fleeting beautiful moments in each day.
October was a difficult month for me. It was the first anniversary of Elli’s death, our oldest daughter. For reasons that still evade me, I’m struggling with a wide variety of issues, including but not limited to unreliable memory, poor sleep, low energy, inability to pray, anger, impatience, unhappiness, and discontent. And realizing this has just fed my anger and unhappiness.
Last week was particularly bad. By Friday I had to face the difficult truth that I need help. I could see what my anger and impatience was doing to our children, but at the same time I could NOT make it stop. And that just added to the misery.
Asking for help doesn’t come easily to me, as my husband will attest. It’s humbling, even embarrassing, to talk about my bad attitude, weaknesses, and failings. It also requires me to trust someone with my deepest darkest secrets. This has grown more difficult after some painful things happened in some relationships this year.
But going it alone was no longer an option. So I finally reached out.
What a blessing, already. These women have, in just a few words in just a few minutes, bathed me in grace, kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement. A lot of work lies ahead. It’s probably going to hurt. But this is the circumstance I’m in, and it will not change. I have to learn to accept and then embrace this life, and show God to be great and glorious and worthy of praise.
My hope is that working through all that is contributing to this internal collapse will grow me in ways that are impossible any other way. And that some day, all of this will serve to help and encourage someone else who is drowning even as they try to put the pieces of a loss-shattered life back together. I move forward in faith that somehow God can take this shattered, angry vessel and make something beautiful out of it.
NaNoWriMo update
As of this morning, I was up to 2,408 words. In order to stay on schedule for the month, I need to be at 5,000 words by the end of today, so I’m a bit behind. But I didn’t start writing until last night.
The story focuses on Brandon and Martine Carpenter, a young, naive couple married just 1 year. They’re having their first baby, but they’re about to learn that all is not well. If this sounds familiar, it is. I figured I’d write what I know.
Seeking help is not easy. And working through issues is even harder. But so worth it. I speak from experience. May God bless you richly today.
May He bless your open and willing heart.
I'm in at Nanowrimo too. I pray that He bless the work of our hands!
Oh sweetie. I have been there. I am a bereaved mom too, but also have had other trials that have made me feel the way you do now. I am SO glad you asked for help. I don't know who you are talking to, but I'm glad it is helping. May I be so bold to ask you to be open to both a Christian counselor, as well as possibly medicine temporarily. You have been and are under a lot of stress and your tired brain needs to heal. I speak from experience.
Know you are loved. I don't know you, but am proud of you. It's worth it.
Prayers… It sounds a lot like depression. Don't be afraid to try grief counseling and medication for a time. Your family needs you to be well. YOU need you to be well. Chronic stress and grief can cause physical changes in brain chemistry, and "just trying harder" doesn't always fix things. (In the meantime, make sure you're getting plenty of Omega 3s and Vitamin D supplements since they're good mood boosters and we can't generally get enough from sunshine and diet alone.)
You are so incredibly amazing to share your authentic self.
This is inspirational in and of itself.
I am glad you are seeking help. Several years ago (you’ll remember the event) we got a call around midnight that we hope never to repeat. The details of my reaction and response to the event have been covered in an earlier letter. There was a time, a number of months, during which prayer was hollow, empty, and flat. I could not seemingly worship. God had, in some way, permitted the terrible act and I was very uneasy about approaching Him. In talking about it to a few, very few, people I eventually found some relief. I did eventually have to leave some questions unanswered.
Several things did become clear from that time. First, there is a much greater hatred for sin and its consequences. I began to see, in a small fashion, how God sees sin in all it putrid, revolting, vileness. It amazes me that God saves sinners. Second, no life was lost, though it could have ended differently. Your Mom and I are very grateful for that. Thirdly, our children continue to walk with Christ. Faith trembled, yes. The hymn writer did not exaggerate. Doubt and fear are howling storms and they do assail. Finally, Luther knew it might come to this when he wrote, “Let goods and kindred go. This mortal life also. The body they may kill. God’s truth abideth still. His kingdom is forever.” We still are called upon to yield up our Isaacs before we are allowed to see the promises fulfilled. Though He slay me, still I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him. (Job 13:15)
Love,
Dad
Ah Joy, my heart hurts reading your pain and yet my mind cannot form words to offer you. So please know that my love and prayers are with you.
Psalm 139: 7-12
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Hugs from afar…
Wendy
My heart grieves to see you so low, and yet I found encouragement that you are willing to seek help.
It is a hard thing to seek help. But I think you will find that most people find your struggles and pain more than understandable with all that life has brought you in the last year or so. And most would applaud your seeking help with a grief counselor and doctor who may even prescribe medication for a time. These two things plus the very important element of time reading God's Word daily (even when you are convinced that it is not feeding and helping you – i.e. determine to read just one psalm a day [or part of a psalm if it is one of the long ones] and spend a couple minutes thinking about it).
It is okay and normal to grieve for your loss of Elli (even now) and to suffer and feel deep pain when people are less than you hoped for and even treat you poorly.
And it is also okay and even shows great wisdom and humility to seek help through counseling and maybe even medication for a time. It will hopefully be of great help at a time when you already feel "beyond" overwhelmed.
I love you so much and just want you helped to work your way through this valley you are in, and to again have some mountain top experiences where you are willing and able to rejoice in pleasing and bringing glory to your God.
I am proud of you for seeking help. Persist in it until you have the victory. What a glorious time that will be. You have overcome and conquered other hard things, and I am confident, with God's help, you will do it again. You can do it! Yes you can! Mighty is your God, who promises to do great things in you and through you! To God be the glory as you overcome these present obstacles.
Love you for always,
Mom