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If My Kids Wrote an Advice Column

two hyper kids

I love my kids. I would do (and have done) anything for them — clean up their vomit, hook up to a hospital-grade breast pump (can anyone say, “moooooo”), pick ticks off their skin (ticks give me the creeps!), and keep their rooms from being declared toxic disaster areas by the county.

But lately, I’ve begun to suspect they are looking for the best methods to make me crazy. Are they looking for the fastest? The most complete? I don’t know, but if they wrote an advice column for kids, it would go something like this.

Five Easy Steps To Make Your Mom Crazy

1. Run to her every 2 minutes with stories about what one sibling is doing the other. Be trivial. Make sure the situation doesn’t involve you. If it does, conveniently leave out your own contribution. When she asks for any details, mumble, “Idunno.”

2. When she announces that it’s time to go somewhere, especially somewhere you love, move
r e a l l y   s l o w l y . You’re going slowly enough if she has to tell you to get dressed five times. Also, if you’re still sitting around flaunting princess jewelry five minutes later.

3. When she says something obviously correct, like “the sky is blue,” immediately argue. Stick to your guns. Refuse to hear her, no matter how logical or manic her words. (We recommend abandoning this technique after the age of four, or you’ll suffer severe consequences.)

4. Wrestle loudly in public places like the grocery store, department store changing rooms, restaurant booths, and especially libraries. Disregard the stern looks and shushes from onlookers. Try to get down on the floor – the germs and dirt will increase her crazy exponentially.

5. When she decides to get up early to try to enjoy a cup of a coffee and a book in peace, pretend that her alarm is for you too and jump out of bed. The louder the thump the better. Begin racing from one end of the house to other, or round and round, depending on the type of home you live in. When she sets her alarm still earlier, same rule applies. Don’t nap on those days.

What would your kids recommend if they wrote this advice column?

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