I’ve been looking for God for a long time.
I’ve written many times about discovering that my faith was built on a flawed foundation and starting over. I’ve written about rebuilding and about being made new, and my daily prayer, “God, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
Spiritual growth isn’t steady. It moves in fits and starts. But lately I have felt stuck, pulled in opposite directions. I haven’t been able to overcome it or move forward.
Then, this week I finally saw it.
I have been running from God, just like Jonah.
I know, it makes no sense. How can someone look for God and run away from him at the same time?
Several years ago, my husband and I answered the call to help renew a church that had fallen on hard times. We joined three other families and dove into ministry. My husband served as worship leader and elder for five years. We worked hard, and we were happy to do so. But, as I wrote on my recent post for Deeper Story, the demands of special-needs motherhood combined with church ministry, lack of spiritual food, and the unique kind of pain inflicted by interpersonal challenges, drained me almost lifeless.
When we closed the doors of that church, I couldn’t get away from ministry fast enough. I didn’t want to do that again. Ever. It was hard, and it hurt. And to be brutally honest, I was angry that God put us in that situation.
So I ran. I ran from what God called us to do.
I told myself that because my husband was no longer a leader in a church, I was off the hook. That I didn’t need to worry about all that people-are-watching-you, you’re-a-role-model responsibility. I believed that now I could do what I want. Say what I want. Write what I want. Not worry about what anyone else thought because no-one was watching anyway.
I essentially told God out of one side of my mouth “I love you and I will serve you with my life” and out of the other, “…but I will do what I want, when I want, my way.”
May I share a tip? You don’t get to do that forever. God is patient and merciful, but he also moves in the lives of his children to remind us who we are and who he is and that he has something planned for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.) I can either serve myself or serve God, and serving God means taking the job he hands to me.
I’m not literally in the belly of a fish, of course. (I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get good internet service there.) But the turmoil, the feeling pulled apart, has been about me running away. Rebelling. Not only have I not done what God has asked me to do, but sometimes I’ve actually undone it.
I have to face facts. God is not letting me off the hook. I’m here on his mission, not mine. That means going where he says to go, even if it’s difficult, even if it hurts, even if it’s the last thing in the world I would choose for myself. He promises to give us what we need for the tasks he assigns.
Even better, he promises peace and joy when we obey. I’d really like to find both of those and just soak in them for awhile.
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I went through that EXACT thing. Just passed the 5 year anniversary, as a matter of fact. Praying you through girlfriend.
It’s worth noting…Jonah was running from God because he knew precisely what God was going to do if he obeyed God (give mercy to Ninevah) and he didn’t wish to be party to engaging that part of God’s character.
Most in ministry are broken by it. There’s a lot that we’re doing wrong in ministry, though mostly it amounts to expecting anybody in ministry to be a paragon and not be hurt by engaging with other humans.
I appreciate your honest faith…questions, struggles and all. I have a theory that whenever we are stuck in our walk with God it’s almost always at a point where we wouldn’t/couldn’t surrender in obedience to His plan/ways…at least that’s what I have found in my own self. Love to you Joy.
i just read Jonah today and realized I can’t underline any more because it’s already all underlined. God used that book powerfully when I lost a baby at 14 weeks to an ectopic pregnancy and I struggled with WHY especially in view of all the other things going on my life…my daughter’s teetering on the brink of death and her new special needs, and then that, right in the middle of it.
http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/2009/12/finally-his-answer-comes.html
It’s also worth noting that God used Jonah even when he was running from him. He witnessed to the sailors, maybe it was all just part of the mission in the first place.
Wow. This hit me square in the wedding tackle and I needed it. Honestly, I’m doing the same thing and God’s been slowing undoing it. It’s to the point I’m just confused and have no idea what God wants to do with me because I’m letting go of the conditions I’ve placed upon Him.
I really appreciated this post. I have been there myself a time or two. I had to learn to let go and let God and trust Him on my journey. Sometimes, we do burn out to the point we think “what is the use?” but God never fails us. I have learned it is all a part of his grooming us for other works on our journey. You are right we just gotta have faith and keep the faith. God uses us in ALL circumstances whether we realize it or not.
Blessings,
Thank you, Michelle. You know how uncomfortable it can be, then.
Sure. Every analogy breaks down somewhere. It isn’t exactly the same, But it’s similar. 🙂
I think your theory holds water. 🙂
Thank you for sharing that post, Gen. I think we share a stubborn bull-headed streak.
It could be. I do know that God redeems and turns it all for good.
I can relate to that. I’ve known some of the pieces of all of this for awhile but it took some time to make sense of it.
Isn’t it good to know that we can’t derail God? He is faithful when we are not, and he will redeem everything.
i love your honesty and seeking after God. i love being around friends like that. we encourage each other and keep each other alert:)
it’s interesting that you didn’t see yourself as ministering despite all the ministry you were doing to/for your daughter. it filled the description of ministry. self-sacrificing, giving and kind in the middle of personal grief and sorrow. that sounds like ministry to me. however often we look on what we do to members of our family as something other than ministry. interesting. it certainly looks like you were ministering to your family…and probably a lot of others who crossed your path…during that time. did you fail? of course, you’re human, but God worked in you too and often your behavior was glorifying to Him. praise be to God!
Uncomfortable? Quite the understatement. The good thing is I’m God’s little victory for you to see on the other side. I made it. I still have bitterness that wells up inside of me from time to time. We still don’t have a home church. I still ache from the pain at times. But for the most part? Everything is much better on this side of the trauma. (and to say it was anything less than trauma, I think, belittles the situation.)
We need a long weekend together.